Comfort is a relative word. What I consider comfort may not necessarily be the same for another, and this is okay. Fact of the matter is that men and women are continually pursuing comfort for themselves and their loved ones. These pursuits send us out to work; whether to a white-collar job, or a blue-collar job, men and women are out fending for the needs of their loved ones to make them as comfortable as they possibly could, in their own understanding of what comfort means.
Society has also placed importance on people having their own jobs regardless of gender. Gone are the days when men were the ones going out to work and women remaining home to tend to the needs of their children and husbands. In fact, in more recent times, a woman who will make a choice to stay at home with the sole purpose of looking after her family, will be frowned upon and hence this piece today.
It is important we start by understanding who a Stay-at-Home Mum (SAHM) is. She can be described as someone who doesn’t work the traditional job but stays at home to care for their children and manage household duties.
What are the myths and misconceptions about SAHMs
Question! As a woman, if given the choice would you rather stay at home to nurture your family or go out to the traditional work as we all know it? And for you the man, husband and father, would you rather have your wife dedicatedly look after the family or, go out as you do, to a regular job for that additional income?
I’m sure the answer to this question is not apparent. Would it be fair to term this as sacrifice on the part of a woman who puts their family above any comfort or financial gain? When a woman has decided to set aside their career cap after years of studies, and even a successful climb on top of that ladder, to now care for her family, shouldn’t she be applauded? I think she should, but there is a louder voice that always seems to take the day. The Society and its current trends.
It cannot be an easy decision to make, yet many women have faced fierce criticism for this bold step. Sometimes society and even close relatives, without knowing the backdrop of such decisions, have also passed harsh judgment to the extent of despising these women. We delve into some of the myths and labels on the women who have chosen this path, even as we go ahead to talk about some of the reasons behind such decisions, the highs, lows and anything else we can learn and share.
Misconceptions
1. Lazy
It is our human nature to always want explanation to every phenomenon; even to the details of day to day living and running of a family. When outsiders watch a young woman who has freshly settled into marriage, with young children, abandon her day job to stay at home, most will raise eyebrows and will not be shy to quicken their tongues to accuse such a woman of laziness. Things like, she’s too lazy to go to work and raise a family will be a tune she may be subjected to hear often.
Laziness however is so far from the truth for such a decision. In any case, picture a family with three to four children all under ten years of age, and a husband: all with their needs relying on just one pair of hands for their meals, clean clothes, clean house, happy home, emotional support and so forth. Albeit you that each of them will also come home wanting to load all their day’s encounters on this one pair of ears. When all is said and done and when this woman has successfully raised this family and cared for each of their needs, I really do not see how this can be termed as laziness! Food for thought.
2. Uneducated
Sometimes families never really understand the background of the spouses their sons choose. So, without asking and/or enquiring, not that it is any of their business, some women will face criticism and be labeled as uneducated hence the reason they are just staying at home. Some will even encounter verbal abuse from outsiders simply because they have chosen this path. Most of this comes from lack of knowledge, but instead of asking, the assumptions take center stage. It could be a lie that will easily and quickly spread among supposed family members, and this can result to more negativities being poured onto the poor SAHM. But what a shame will it be when the prying tongues get to know that she may probably have a higher level of education than most if not all of them!
So Uneducated is, unfortunately, normally another common label on stay-at-home mums. It however comes from place of lack of information.
3.Parasite
This word does border on an insult as many women have faced criticism especially from close family. Expressions such as she is overburdening “our son” has been witnessed by most. Their idea is that this lady has just abandoned work to stay at home and have fun. The picture drawn in the minds of many is probably that of a lady who just wakes up to order the house help around while she does absolutely nothing herself, yet the whole financial burden is shouldered by her “poor” husband hence the word parasite.
These are just some of the labels but there could be more!
Myths
1.Woman is for the kitchen
This may come from more conservative communities and their belief is that a woman belongs to the kitchen and the home. So, for this kind of a SAHM, it is not a matter of choice but a condition that she must meet as she is married into such a family. Unfortunately, this is not a very progressive way of thinking and is also not right by any human standards. It can be termed a form of slavery, but our hope is that some of these ideas are being brought to extinction especially in our African set up.
In a nutshell….
Going to work has been set as the mark of a successful and prosperous life by society. When both parents are working and getting an income it is deemed that the quality of life for such a family will be better compared to another that may be relying on just one member as the source for all needs. There is certainly a level of truth to this, as we always say that two are better than one.
Going to fend for family is definitely a noble course that should ideally fill every man and woman’s heart with satisfaction that they are able to provide for their loved ones; but to what extend is this entirely a great idea and at who’s expense? Isn’t it easy to be so engrossed in the how-to make your family comfortable, while forgetting the most important element which is the very members of these families, their well-being and wholesomeness?
Absence of both parents can leave the children exposed to so much ill; and absence in the sense of the amount of time parents spend with their children. Research has shown tremendous difference, in favor of children raised by their own parent/s, in comparison to those who relied mostly on nannies and who also spent less quality time with their parent/s. Children have been found to develop more wholesomely when they were personally taken care of by their parent; especially if this parent was a constantly present mother in the formative years.
Try and picture this: A mum after the three-month maternity leave will be required back to work. Dad, after the two-week paternity leave, will also go back to work. From this point on, this baby’s life is dependent on a third party who will neither nurse him/her but just feed the child in a very detached way. This child has to very quickly be independent, and the mother’s tender care is something they will only experience in little doses, as the baby tries to be fit in the mum’s schedule. It is a sad sight, right?
Now, this by no means suggests that working mums are not good parents. Not at all. No parallels are being drawn between these two parents; we are sharing insights on what the life of a SAHM really entails, from the decision to the impact this decision has on families.
1.The Reason why
a. Unique health circumstances
Carrying a pregnancy for 9 months, fills a heart with great anticipation; the thought that another life is growing within cannot be put in simple words. It is a wonder and a mystery that, in our limited human capacity we can only marvel at. When finally, this life arrives, the sight of a healthy baby is what we are naturally wanting to witness. Imagine the joy in both parents’ hearts and even family members to welcome a brand-new member.
Sometimes however, there can be the unfortunate situation of the baby arriving with special needs. It is not the infant’s fault, and every mum will naturally have their heart break for their born child. These unique situations will require that a child receives the best care to give them the best quality of life under the circumstance.
It is such a circumstance that can sometimes cause a family to make the drastic decision to have the mum stay at home to care for the needs of this precious one/s. As an outsider it would be absolutely hurtful to point a judging finger at such a family. A unique situation called for it, and a mum will naturally report to this duty no matter what it may cost her and the larger family.
b. Multiple Births
Multiple birth is when one pregnancy brings more than one bundle of joy. It is certainly a blessing to experience such a miracle but the responsibility of it also comes in multiples in this case. For these reasons, it may be difficult for a mum to leave her two, three or four babies in the cases of quadruplets, to the house assistant. Such a situation will require sacrifice, and this may include a working mum to stop working their regular job to focus on the new assignment. A family may opt under such circumstance, to have the mum fully commit their time to caring for the born infants to a comfortable stage of their life.
c. Personal Convictions
Lulu and her husband were excited when they confirmed news of their first pregnancy. She had been working and loved her job which was also contributing to the needs of their young family. It was at this point that they decided to have a conversation over the next steps of their life. As a couple they felt the pull and desire to have Lulu fully dedicate her time to raising the children. It was a personal conviction from both parties, and this is what they did. Therefore, another reason to being a stay-at-home mum can come from you as a couple being convicted that it is the right thing to do to improve the quality of your family’s life; and this leads to our next point.
d. The privilege to raising your own children.
No one can deny that it is a privilege to personally raise your own children! To be present in the formative years of their life is a blessing, and more so if you are present to watch all their transitions even into adulthood. I am sure that every parent wants to be the first to hear that first word, be the first to notice their first tooth, and so on. Granted, these things will happen whether you are their full time or not, but it gives much more joy when a mum hears or sees all this progress their child is making as opposed to it being reported to them after a long day at work. It is simply a privilege!
So, to not miss out on this privilege, a couple may opt to have the mum stay to raise the children.
2.The Lows
a. Stigma and Discrimination
Stay-at-home mums sometimes face discrimination especially when they find themselves in the midst of working mums. Some of these encounters are subtle and may not even be intentional on the part of their working counterparts. In most cases they will be treated as lowly, or not having the understanding or grasp of reality since they are considered to have buried their heads in the sand. They will find themselves being excluded from some forums as they are thought of as lacking knowledge or capability to make meaningful contribution on some matters since they are not in the job space.
All this sounds a little harsh but having talked to a few SAHMs gave us this insight, but we must add that this couldn’t be furthest from the truth. Some of these women have up to PHD level education, they only opted to put their children and families first and above anything else in as far as money and career was concerned; again, this does not water down the incredible women pouring their gifts and talents in the workspace.
b. Misconception/Being Misunderstood
Having partly touched on this in the previous point, that fellow women and even men misconceive SAHMs as those who lack ambition and focus. But really the reason behind some of these decisions are not just sound but also quite noble. Instead of quickly dismissing a mum, the best is to be intrigued and take a step to ask why they made such a decision. The reason might even compel you to abandon your own job to be SAHM yourself.
Most have been misunderstood and judged to be lazy, with no dream, not aggressive and so forth. This especially becomes a problem when they receive backlashes directly attacking their stand as stay-at-home mums, and almost to the point of being questioned and accused of wasting their life.
c. Financial Constraints
When both parents are working, it is true that there will be more resources available at the disposal of the family. On the contrary, the decision to have one working parent now stay at home to care for the children, has the direct impact of reducing the financial well from which the family draws. These are challenges that should have been projected by you as a couple in advance so that, while planning to have one parent stay at home, you concurrently come up with the plan to sail through such storms when they hit.
We do not deny that this is easier said than done, and that’s why this is one of the disadvantages of having just one parent working as opposed to both. We must however add that this is not a common problem to all families but can be an issue for some families, especially if the one source of income becomes overloaded by the family’s needs.
d. Mistreatment from Family
This may mostly come from family who may feel that as a SAHM you are only sitting to receive and not giving so that some members may ill treat you as their daughter and sister in-law. This ill treatment can come in the form of abusive words directed your way or even in the cases when you have met at a family gathering being treated as a worker as opposed to a partner to your husband. Again, these are tales coming from actual stay-at-home mums who were kind to share their ordeals.
e. Tension and Discomfort for the couple/Marriage
When things get tight, as it is very possible to happen with families facing very hard economic times, there is the possibility of discomfort and tension building between couples. Though a decision was already made by both of you to have mum stay at home, hardship can quickly blind causing you to direct anger and frustration toward one another. This can easily put your marriage on the rocks.
This very point makes it absolutely necessary to always check with each other that the decision you made was the right one and should there be a shift of things then do not let the marriage suffer but rather go back to the drawing board and strategize afresh. It is allowed.
f. Lonely and depressing
Routines though effective in getting the job done, can also easily put a SAHM in a depressed state. Doing the same thing every day, over and over again for years, without getting the right balance has plunged some amazing women into loneliness and depression. The loneliness comes when you are the lone soldier trying to put everything in order, but in the absence of any encouragement or cheer when it quickly turns into a dark and gloomy world for a SAHM. This can be made worse if she is in the midst of people who ignore her or hurt her with thoughtless and hurtful words; it will certainly make them withdraw to try run away from this negativity only to soon find themselves suffering even more in this forced wall of loneliness.
g. Overdependence by family members
“Mummy! Where are my school shoes?!”, goes the first enquiry from Lulu’s 4-year-old son, and almost concurrently another voice sounds from the house corridors, “Honey, where are my silver cufflinks?” and this is Lulu’s husband on a Tuesday morning. This is the common tune in Lulu’s ears, always worse in the morning and the weekends. They have become overdependent on Lulu! Her son would ask, ” “Mommy will I find you when I come from school?” Mommy should always be there!
Now this is beautiful, as we also know Lulu is delighted to meet the needs of her loved ones; but it can surely weigh Lulu down and many more like her. Family members tend to become over reliant on mum who stays at home and if she doesn’t receive the adequate support, she too can break down.
It is only when they one day return home from work and school to find a cold and quite house, no hot food on the table or warm hands to give them a hug, will they realize their overdependence and the importance of the precious and diligent hands that have been receiving them every single day. This quickly jolts us to the reality that children, and husbands became overdependent on these loved ones.
h. Losing Oneself
Now in the midst of mum running the whole day, every day to meet all these needs, when she suddenly remembers that there is a mirror in her bathroom, and her eyes lock with those of the woman standing on the mirror! She is at the point jolted to a reality of the changes that have taken place. Chapped lips and skin, bad hair, dark circles on her eyes, sign of sleep deprivation, and so much more
It is not her fault. But the one-time well-kept lady can turn into this image on the mirror all of a sudden. She needs not lose herself, her dreams and aspirations; but it has to be conscious steps she takes towards achieving the sane state in the midst of joyfully serving her family. This state can also only be attained with a strong arm behind her and a reassuring voice always resounding from the background. If not, she can easily lose herself.
3.The Highs
a. Raising Wholesome/all rounded Children
For a child, coming home to their mum’s loving arms, genuinely interested in their day’s activities and encounters, will enrich a child’s life almost in inexplainable words. Most mums will admit that there is definitely hard work involved in keeping the home clean and warm, making sure everything is in order and meeting the needs of all the family members, understanding that each member also has their unique needs.
Different studies have shown distinct and notable differences between children whose mums stayed at home and those whose mothers go out to work. Discipline, emotional stability, assertiveness and confidence are some of the characters that favored children raised by SAHMs.
b. Witnessing your children’s Milestones.
When you hold your bundle of joy the very first seconds of their life, I wonder if it then hits you just how much limited time you have to hold them like that. This is because very quickly, they will be up and running almost not wanting you to have your grip on them. These milestones are significant, and it is every parent’s joy to witness as their babies grow right in front of their eyes. The first tooth, the first word, the first step, the first day at school and so on. For the SAHM, you are privileged to be present when these transformations are taking place as well as offer support because, some of the changes are never devoid of challenges, and even pain for the little one.
c. Presence
A parent’s presence contributes greatly to aiding a child’s general development. It is not to take away from the nannies that are often left to take care of children whose parents have to work. A mother’s ever-present eyes, affirmations and correction will definitely build a child’s character better, as she knows what she desires for her own child. Mum’s presence for the child also gives an assurance that may not come from elsewhere and works to the effect of producing a better developed child in all aspects. This applies very well in the situation of the child that has any physical or health challenges in the case of a differently abled child. For the parent just being present for your child will also give you peace of mind as opposed to leaving your child to be cared for by someone else.
d. Mental strength
When a child is feeling affirmed and loved, it has a direct positive impact to their mental state. Studies done in the recent past regarding mental health have directly linked mental illnesses to people’s upbringing, especially unaddressed trauma in childhood, their environment etcetera. Picking from this cue, it is no wonder that children who have been raised in a more solid environment, under the personal care of a responsible parent or parents will have higher chance of mental strength throughout their life. So, this makes having a stay-at -home mum an advantage and definitely a high when you see your children flourishing into their adult years devoid of mental unwellness.
e. Build a strong emotional bond with the children.
On one of a the local shows a SAHM was interviewed and was asked what are some of the things she loves about being a stay-at-home mum. Her answer was the way she deeply knows her children and how well they are connected that the children have even branded her GOAT (greatest of all time), since they also feel how deeply connected, they are to their mum. This is to the extent that their mum knows when they are in trouble even without them talking.
To know your child to this extent takes time, and building this emotional bond builds your children’s confidence that will help them flourish and conquer life’s challenges; you definitely want to witness as a parent/s the successful and wholesome transition of your child from one stage of life to another.
f. Betterment in child’s school performance
A confident child will generally perform well according to their capacity and innate gifts in whatever they do. Given, when a child personally raised by the mum is even starting school the support and presence of their mum will naturally build in them the natural response of being the best at what they do. This is the fruit of good parenting coupled with the child’s natural ability.
Take Homes
So, what are the take homes for you as a couple when you are deciding to have mum stay at home and to you the woman who is thinking about or already in the process of being a stay-at-home mum.
1.Trust yourselves/self
It is easy to feel like the decision you made was not right, especially when you meet some bumps along the way., do not worry as this would be the natural human response to such situations. But remember that you had sat down to consider the matter as whole, in which case then, find the courage to weather the storms and stay focused on the path you have chosen. After all, everyone wants something in this life and if to you as a couple you prioritized your children, then this is certainly a noble course! Soldier on then with confidence.
2.Block out Negativity
Voices of discouragement will come in different fashions and from different corners; it may even come from your closest and dearest., stay positive and keep your eyes on the goal. Once in a while you can look for a safe space to load your frustrations, worries and concerns but after this pick up yourself to keep moving froward. A safe space can be a tranquil place you can visit, or have some lone time to think or engage in a relaxing activity or talk to a trusted friend, just stay away from negative thoughts, people or media.
3.Have a strong support System
There is definitely that person or people you can depend on to walk with you. Choose for yourself wisely a support system, doesn’t have to be fellow stay at home mums, but if it works, then add them to the pool of your support system. Point is having people you can rely on for anything.
The Parting Shot
The decision to be a stay-at-home mum is a big one. We have seen some highs and lows of it as well as some solid reasons behind this decision. The important thing, however, is that you as a couple must be in total agreement so that through the highs and lows you are each other’s greatest support, and you can depend on each other.
It is so easy to go into a place of regret and even second guessing yourself when the going gets tough. It may be even harder if the decision came from one party as as opposed to both of you being on the same page; the damage may be great and cause strain to your own relationship. This is simply to emphasize that you need to be really in sync as a couple, over the decision of the mum staying at home.
As you sit to discuss these three points are important to lay plainly on the table and discuss honest are your finances, priorities and lifestyle. These three will be affected no doubt so it is of utmost importance to have clarity about how you address them going forward.
In conclusion these are our two cents on the matter, not as experts but as a platform to help families flourish, we therefore invite you to share your thoughts, advise whether expert or from personal experience to be able to support or encourage someone out there. Just click here.