Two becoming one is a wedding song written and sang by the couple artistes Jonathan and Emily Martin. Listening to this beautiful song, as you watch your loved ones make their way to the altar to say their vows, can sure make a tear or two drop. What makes it so sentimental is not just the evidently sweet melody but the very lyrics of two becoming one. What may hit one later however, is that not just the individuals became one but two families also becoming one.
Families enlarge when a marriage covenant is made between two people, as each person came from a family, whether by adoption or biologically. There is the obvious extension of family that happens after such a ceremony but this is not the problem. In fact, in an African culture family is everything, we almost go looking for those that belong to us, even the cousin to your neighbor is your family, and it is all good. So where exactly is the Issue?
How to handle this extended family when you as a couple have just come together to build your own family is the problem. Issues of peoples’ privacy being invaded is a common tune in most African homes, of a newlywed couple. We may let our beloved relatives off the hook because maybe, just maybe, they want to make the new members feel a sense of belonging and acceptance. But chances are that this may not be met with open arms, at first. So, unless you as a couple be agreed on how you want to handle the matter, before it happens, then it is important you lay your ground rules beforehand on how to deal with the extended family. Otherwise, the idea that they want to show love and acceptance may quickly turn into frustration on your part as a couple, and even hatred towards you.
This would be first step toward coming to an amicable way to deal with both sides of the extended family. Come up with how you host the relatives and what needs to happen when you are at home with them. Whether male or female members of the family, it is important to make a host of rules that should be followed by whoever is coming. Of course, there are more delicate relations like the parents in-law, in which case you can’t just spell out rules to them without applying tact.
These rules don’t necessarily need to be written but as a couple you will need to make it known what your expectations are for those living in your household; this is especially important for the younger members of the extended family living with you while you also have young ones.
In all all this, wisdom calls so that you don’t come off as couple who is selfish and not wanting relatives, but this should rather work to bring order to your own family and avoid unnecessary disputes.
When there is conflict or issues arising, there is need for the two of you to come off as one voice. You can’t be saying one thing and your spouse is saying another on the same matter. Take on a side as one unit, deal with challenges with one voice otherwise, the relatives will cause division between the two of you, yet they are just passing through. Remember you are the ones in a covenant relationship.
Have a common way of how each deal with the other side of the family, for example, you can decide that when it comes to your husband’s parents, you, as the wife will be the one to send any finances or aid, of course having agreed with your spouse on what that is, and vice versa. This also improves relationship between you as the newer member on that side of the family.
Communication on handling disputes that arise, broken rules by the visiting members, or by those living in your household should also be agreed upon between you as a couple. You can for example agree that for the female relatives, the lady of the house will be the one to handle the matter and if they are male then the husband will handle; and this is regardless of whose brother or sister it is.
Such ground rules set a good precedence for all members and fosters respect from the relatives toward you as a couple. A niece to your husband must take your word as authority when you are handling an arising matter, and with the backing of your husband there should be no room for misunderstanding.
You must agree on exactly how and what you are extending as a hand of help to the specific details. This simply means that you have agreed what will be spent on the extended family, whether cash or kind and who gives what, so that you ward off any disputes or the feeling that one is doing more or less for either side of the family.
This can fall within the rules of engagement point; however, we just want to put emphasis on the fact. It is important that you set clear boundaries so that the extended family members will not overstep to infringing into your private life as a couple. This can happen intentionally or unintentionally.
Setting boundaries can be delicate though, since you are dealing with blood relations, and they may easily feel entitled to certain privileges. So, unless you agree as a couple on how to go about it and honor your part of the bargain individually, these delicate relations can be broken to an irreparable state, which is really the last thing you want.