When we speak of spousal support, it is so easy for our minds to default to a scenario of a husband who needs to be coerced or reminded to give room and aid the growth of their wives’ careers or businesses of their dream, so that they may thrive as individuals. Though it may be the thought that comes out naturally and especially in our African context, we would love to present that this is a conversation that applies both ways.
The dynamics of marriage has shifted in very significant ways in our world today. While in the past the role of a woman was limited to a very small scope of bearing and rearing children, with interludes of cooking and cleaning for the husband and children, these roles have been redefined by the today society. In spite of this though, one could easily argue that words like divorce and separation were only stories heard of from very distant places. Women were content, or so it seemed, and men were just happy providers; glad to return home to their wives and children at the end of each day’s toil. It was just that simple.
Today, what the world presents is something totally different. In fact, phrases like, “What a man can do a woman can do better!”, are drilled in the minds of girls from a very tender age; never mind that the different cultures and religions also have their own ideas of what the roles of men and women are. This in a sense surmounts to undue pressure that perhaps is carried into adulthood and then into marriages.
To throw a spanner in the works is that success has also been redefined. It is no longer having many children and some herd of cattle, which really was the pride of any man. Success is in the thickness of your wallet, the number of zeros reading on your bank accounts, the education you hold, the wise investments you’ve made, how far up you climbed your career ladder and so on. This success is being chased by every single one of us, men and women alike. It is therefore inevitable, with this redefinition of success, that men and women are under pressure to, “Make it”. Is it wrong to want success probably not. The thin line probably lies between that desire, attaining it and who is leading who towards achieving it. In the ideal, the man was created to be the leader and the woman to naturally follow. It remains a topic for discussion, but could one say that our forefathers made it so far into their marriages adhering to this basic principle?
When Adam was created in the image and likeness of God, given dominion and authority over every creature and the additional task to name them; Doesn’t it sound like it was a huge task? I think it was, but remember this responsibility was only given him who out of all creatures, was handmade by God Himself and God’s very breath as His lifeline. It was definitely possible for him to take on this job and execute it successfully.
While this looked like it was enough work that would occupy Adam all his life, God noticed something. Adam was lonely! And being a good God, he didn’t mull over the issue, He created a companion that suited Adam. Flesh of his flesh and bones of his bones he said and named her Eve! Together they were to work hand in hand, to multiply and subdue the earth.
This truth is the basis of the world’s existence and so love, support, companionship are all God’s ideas. We are only custodians. So, the question of how you can support your spouse’s dream or idea is one that should be discussed openly to allow each person in this partnership produce the best version of themselves. While it was possible for Adam, the first man on earth, to carry out all that he was told, God’s design to bring him a companion and a partner can be argued to have been Gods way of bringing more richness in the lives of the creatures He had Himself created.
So as an Adam how do you view your wife? And as an Eve how do you perceive your husband? Have they shared their dreams and aspirations with you? When they did, what was your first response? Was it of joy out of a heart beaming with pride of your partner’s wonderful vision? Or did it make your stomach churn with jealousy and/or anger? Only you can answer these questions.
The answer should definitely be YES! but just like all the other words have been redefined, the word support can mean many different things to different people. Only in this context, we are looking at support to mean how you can enrich each other to achieving a common goal for you as a family and as an individual within the partnership of marriage. The principle of iron sharpening iron.
Here are a few suggestions and encouragements of how:
When vows are made on the altar about walking together until death do you part, you have made a commitment to be one in mind and heart even in light of differing opinions. Your final destination is to come together in agreement, understanding full well that a negative that affects one partner will affect the other and vice versa when it is a positive. So, to support your spouse in their venture should ideally not just be viewed as something that will benefit them singularly, but both of you as a unit and the family at large. As you approach the matter, it is important to consider the fact that you are one.
Do not snuff out the excitement with which your spouse shares their dream. Listen to them intently and join in their joy, happiness and hope on the matter. Now this is not to say you cannot be objective. Bring in your objectivity with love, only to help them take the right steps towards the dream. If you have genuine concerns over the direction, this too can be brought up delicately in a way to help them see the idea in better light. This can in turn help improve the idea, give it more thought and time, but ultimately it is you fanning your spouse’s flame in the right direction. Do not be cold or indifferent this is probably most hurtful.
Being human there will always be an emotional auto response to all our senses and this includes what we hear. It can be outright excitement, worry, and on the more extreme end anger or jealousy. Now this is not to say that when your spouse shares their dream or aspiration, that you are not happy for them. It may just not come out automatically depending on the circumstance; emotions just happen, and they are sometimes birthed from quiet insecurities in us, or past bad experiences bottled up over years of our lives. It can also just be a feeling of a hurt ego and/or pride. These do not directly mean you do not want the best for your spouse, but they are momentary weaknesses that we must quickly identify and deal with so that we are the best partners our spouses need at the time. Be open and genuine over what you feel. It may be ugly at the start, but honesty is and always will be the best policy. Afterall this vulnerability can just bring out the very best in each one of you, ultimately.
Congratulatory messages are definitely in order, but please don’t end it at. Offer tangible help. If it is a promotion to a higher position for your husband, you can be the first to give him tips over what to expect if you have been yourself on such a path. Go the extra mile to research on challenges they may face and share these. If it is a business idea, do not shy from asking what their strategies are and how you can be of help to make it happen. Are they equipped in terms of capital and resource? If not, how can you be of help? The point to all this is to give tangible assistance in a way that your spouse will not feel alone on the journey.
This may be especially true for you the husband, your words of encouragement, reassurance and affirmation will matter the most in this process. Simply put, this gives your spouse the ability to soar on high, having the confidence that they have backing and blessing from their significant other, and a voice that is constantly cheering them on. There is no telling the heights to which your spouse can reach. Do not be the wing clipper but the wing giver.
You have offered moral, financial and even emotional support. This should be applauded, but how about you take it a notch higher and offer your physical presence. Actions speak louder than words. Rest assured that your presence, especially if there is a physical business involved will go a long way in adding the that little fuel to the fire. It will also do you good to have an understanding of what your partner is doing and make you feel part of it.
It is fair to say that any kind of change is difficult to accept, and we will always naturally resist. But the world has exponentially advanced and is where it is today in terms of technology, medicine, farming just to mention a few, because of men and women before us who embraced change. A child is born and very soon is out of your hands, and you can no longer hold them in your bosom to feed them milk. This will not sustain them even if you managed to pin them down. They are now grown and are needing something more to make them thrive and become productive.
This is similar to the idea of allowing your significant other grow and become something bigger and better. It may be hard at first, at least for some, but eventually when you see them grow and become, the only heart that will be beaming with joy and pride is yours. I am sure you want this. So be bold and hold that dream as your very own.