I am sure that no matter which part of this country you come from, marriage is an esteemed rite of passage. In fact, we can comfortably say that it is every parent’s desire, at least for the majority, that their children should grow well, get an education, get themselves financial independence and stability, but the real icing on the cake is when these children settle in marriage and bring forth an offspring. It is almost as if parents are always eagerly waiting to give their children off for marriage and waiting for grandchildren that they can spoil.
Now let us back up a bit; this is definitely the ideal for each and every parent but sometimes it never really goes this way. A number of things can go wrong including a not so-smooth ride into the marriage life; one of the reasons for hitting this kind of bump would be if our parents do not approve of our choice partners. So, let’s dig into this a bit.
As we grow up especially towards our young adult lives, you will find that parents become particularly protective, and keen on every step their children make. They are sensitive to who you hang out with, call, befriend and so forth. Some parents may even give you permission to have these friends over at your home for the sole reason of ‘inspecting’ them or investigating who they are, and what kind of family they come from, just in case they become their future in-laws. This may just open up an opportunity for you to pick their thoughts on the kind of girl or boy they think is ideal for you as their child. This can however remain in the secrecy of your private thoughts as you also are shopping for the right one for you.
Whether or not in our dating life you go ticking the boxes against your parents’ ‘perfect list’, it is most likely that subconsciously, you may find ourselves dating according to our parents ideal. I believe the reason for this is that for any son or daughter your parents’ approval really does matter, especially as it pertains to a life partner.
It is often said of daughters, who were daddies’ girls, they will often look for their dads in their potential husbands and vice versa for sons, who also had a fulfilling childhood to look for their mums in their potential wives. It could be just a myth, but experts of psychology have often drummed this with research to back them up.
Certainly, the above thoughts are not striving to dismiss our own personal preferences; truth be told is that we are all unique in our personalities, temperaments, not forgetting our physical and behavioral tendencies. These have been shaped by our different environments and people we interacted with while we grew up. How we view beauty, good character, impressive personalities, what’s wrong or right have all been cultivated by how and where we have come from. This will most significantly affect all aspects of your life including who you choose to settle with. You are definitely looking for the one who will embody what appeals to you as a person and that may not be palatable to everyone, including your parents. The hope however, is that when you meet that person, the people that matter the most in your life will see them through your lenses.
The cliché, ‘Beauty lies in the eye of the beholder’, has often been used to describe one who is absolutely smitten by their choice partners, while on the other hand others are struggling to understand just why that is the case;you are clearly head over heels in love with them and anyone else’s opinion may not matter at the time. It holds some truth to this end, but albeit, this will be more difficult when these sentiments come from your parents. So, you will need to work towards growing your ideal person onto your parent/s from the moment you introduce them to each other, especially if at the first meeting they are not swept off their feet as you are or were.
Though some African Traditions are deemed retrogressive, the cultural norms by and large were about respect and blessings. Parents had and still have the moral authority over their children; by default, a parent can speak a blessing or a curse upon their children depending on what the child has done or not done.
Beyond the traditions however, what our parents think and say of us truly matters to a child. The greatest affirmation any child desires to get is that of their parents; to know that they have done well by them is extremely important to each child. This may be to the extent of blessings being directly linked to their future prosperity in all ways.
So, in relation to choosing a spouse, you really want your parent/s to approve of this person you have brought home. Often when people have gone ahead to marry spouses that their parents did not approve of, then things ended up going south, people will have no problem linking the failure to lack of the parent/s’ blessing on the marriage. In essence, the parents blessing over your choice partner is of utmost importance.
We also come from a society where our religions take center stage in all life’s milestones including marriage. All would agree that getting religious leaders’ blessings is as important as the parents’ blessings. It is always evident when these two parties are happy with their children’s union as you will witness them take on very key roles during the celebrations, including happily handing over one child to another in a display of one happy union.
However, if they do not approve, they will conspicuously miss from such celebrations and in some extreme cases, these “children” can choose to take the highway of elopement. This in other words would mean, neither your earthly parents nor spiritual parents gave their approval or blessings, and you may just have pronounced a quiet doom on yourself.
For the Christians for example, there is no doubt that marriage is essential to bringing forth a godly generation. How one gets into it is equally important for it is a binding covenant until death do you part. The role of the parent as accepting your spouse, is important as the call is to honor your father and mother so that it may go well with you, as well articulated in the good book. And so, to go against their desire or disapproval would be a dishonor and so it may just not go well with you.
So where should we start in the quest for getting our parents’ approval of our choice of marriage partners? While we may not have a prescription to this, we can share a few thoughts and hopefully they can be of help.
It is important to get your parent/s on board when you have found the one your hearts leaps for. The notion that you are the one going to live with them and not your parents, and so they should not have any opinion or problem should be completely avoided. Just consider that though you are the one going to live with your spouse, you are adding them to your parents’ family. It is therefore only fair to strive to bring them on board.
You can openly talk about them to your parents, as you also bring them to interact with them as often as it is possible; sometimes, a one-off meeting may not give a true or clear picture of who they are, and parents may quickly dismiss your potential partner based on a misjudgment.
If there is any opposition, it is okay to take a step back and try to understand where your parents are coming from. Though you may feel they don’t get your “generation” there is certainly wisdom they have that could save you future heartache. There is an old adage that says, ‘An old man seated on a stool sees further than a young man standing on a tree’. It could just be the time to trust what the old man sees or at least help each other see what the other is not to finally come to a consensus.
Be on the same page with your fiancé on your stand about your parent’s opinion of them. What do I mean? Agree what your parents’ blessing means to both of you and the action you may both take in case it doesn’t go the way you both are anticipating. Understand each other from the start on this matter.
With all said and done, marriage is the foundation of a solid community. Good marriages will birth the fruit of a flourishing society. It all starts at home. Therefore, to this end, Mothers and Fathers should be lenient towards and keen to support their children; if there are genuine concerns, these can be aired and addressed amicably as there it is possible that some of the doubt could be pegged on empty speculations or assumptions. As for we, the sons and daughters, we can learn obedience and patience without parents as we present our choice partners to them and with a humble attitude so that we get their blessings. This is part of laying a good foundation for your marriage.